Life is Crazy

Originally posted 1/23/2010


So, no, this photo has nothing to do with this post, but I don’t have anything that would be appropriate.
I am not always a positive ray of sunshine and everything is fine and look on the bright side kinda gal, but I am not all about letting things defeat me either. There is nothing to be learned from pretending that things are all just fine and dandy, believe me...I’ve tried it...doesn’t work. Life is hard! Really hard! And I suppose all I can do is try to keep up with it, and be as good as I can, when I can. Not the easiest solution, and it would be great to believe that there was some divine plan for me and a reason why things have happened the way they have and continue to happen, but I don’t know how to believe that.
Seems all too easy to just say, “things happen this way for a reason and someday I’ll know why I have had to bury so many of the people I love, including my own child. And there is no way for us to understand it, we must have faith.” I get why people want to believe that, but I don’t. Shit happens. You either deal with it, or you don’t. Then something else comes along, good or bad. Wash. Rinse. Repeat. That’s all there is to it.
I can say definitively that we all grow and learn from each and every one of our experiences, and how we use the information we gain determines the kind of people we are. That just makes sense to me. I can see it and I can put it into practice, it isn’t as easy and heartwarming as saying “God wants me to go through this so I can fulfill a grander purpose in his plan,” but I don’t feel as though I am lying to myself to feel better either. I prefer it that way.
Heaven would be outstanding. I could see my children, my sister(s), my grandfathers, friends, and other family who went before me, and I hope it exists for those I love, even if I am not able to make it there...but I doubt it.
Well, it doesn’t change that my life is a complete and utter mess right now. Personally, I prefer not having to say, “well God has a plan for my life. There is a reason I was controlled, and hit, and stalked, and getting a divorce, and have a husband in jail for violating a simple protection order, and have no money. God is good, and all is well.” Um no, not for me.
Now I am going to go figure out how I am going to pay bills, and if my soon to be ex-husband will still have a job after his weekend in jail, and snuggle my children, and get dinner ready and clean, and do laundry, and search for jobs, and be everything I can be for the time being.
“Maybe there is a god above, but all I ever learned from love was how to shoot somebody who outdrew ya...” -Jeff Buckley, Hallelujah.