Perspective

I often find myself in search of a frame of reference: Looking for something to remind me to stop nitpicking my life away. I found such a thing this evening:


Michiko was six and Shinichi was three years old. Their sister, Yoko, was only one and she had just started to walk around. A girl called Kimi-chan who lived next to our house was Shinichi's best friend. In those days there were few toys and they would often play house. But Shinichi wanted tricycle very much. He would always show a book with pictures of tricycles to Kimi-chan and say, "Look! Tricycle! Don't you think they're great?" He loved that book so much. However, he never asked me to buy him a tricycle. He knew that it was impossible. I wanted to buy him a tricycle, but tricycles couldn't be found anywhere in those days.

One day in June, Shinichi's uncle came to our house with a big package. He was in Japanese Navy.
"Shin-chan, I have something nice for you."
"What is it?"
"Guess. If your guess is right, you can have it."
When his uncle began to open the package, a handlebar appeared.
"Oh! a tricycle!" Shinichi's eyes shone with joy.
As soon as the handlebars came out, he grabbed them happily. Then he got on the tricycle and rode it to Kimi-chan's house to show it to her.
The tricycle was the one Shinichi's uncle had ridden in his childhood. He thought he would not need it anymore because he was going to war. He didn't think he would return home alive.
On the morning of August 6, 1945, Kimi-chan and Shinichi were in the garden. They were taking turns riding the tricycle. It was soon after I went inside the house that it happened.
Flash! Everything turned white.

I didn't know how much time had passed. I came to and found that it was dark all around. I was unable to move. When I felt around me, I touched something like a pillar. "Where am I?" There were fallen pillars around me and the ceiling was just above me. Then I realized that our house had collasped.
I managed to crawl out and stood on the roof. I couldn't believe what I saw then. The trees, houses and people had all disappeared.
"Anybody here?" I cried out. Then I heard someone say. "Help me!" I looked in the direction of the voice and saw my mother. I ran to her and found Shinichi under the big pillar. I couldn't see Kimi-chan anywhere.
While I lifted the pillar, my mother pulled Shinichi out. He was still holding the handlebars of his tricycle. His face had swollen up like a balloon and he was bleeding. When I started to run to Teishin Hospital, I heard someone else crying for help. It was my wife. The voice seemed to be coming from the place where the kitchen used to be. I cried, "Mother, take care of Shinichi. I must help my wife." I climbed up on the fallen roof and pulled off the tiles one by one until I finally got to my wife.

I looked up and saw Kimi-chan's house on fire. Suddenly I realized that I had not found my daughters yet. I called many times. "Michiko! Yoko!" Soon I found some of their clothes showing under the house. I tried to lift the fallen pillars but the fire was spreading toward me. It was so hot! The fallen pillars over my two daughters started to catch fire. I was helpless. I couldn't do anything for them. I prayed, "Michiko, Yoko, please forgive me."

I carried my wife on my back to the riverside. There were a lot of injured people there. They were crying, groaning and asking for water.
Shinichi had been taken to the riverside, too. "Water. Please give me some water," said Shinichi in a faint voice. My mother holding him in her arms. She had seen many burned people die after drinking water, so she didn't give any to Shinichi. He sometimes whispered to himself, "My...My..." "My what? What is it, Shinichi?" When I put my ear to his mouth, I heard him saying, "My tri...My tricy..." "Shinichi," I said, "You are holding your tricycle now!" I held his hands tightly. His swollen face moved a little. I thought he was trying to smile. That night, he died. It was only ten days before his forth birthday.

The next morning, the smoke from burning dead people was rising up everywhere. It smelled very bad, and I decided not to burn Shinichi's body. While I was digging a hole in a corner of the garden, Kimi-chan's mother came with her daughter's body in her arms. She said, "They were best friends. Please bury her together with him." So we put their hands together and buried them in the same place. I put his tricycle beside him.

In July 1985, 40 years later, I thought I should move Shinichi's bones to a grave. Early in the morning, Kimi-chan's mother and I began to open the hole where we had buried Kimi-chan and Shinichi. After a while, something like a rusty iron pipe appeared. It was the tricycle! I had forgotten all about it. Tears rolling my cheeks before i realized. Something white showed. Shinichi! Kimiko! Everyone gazed at their little hands. "They are still holding each other's hands," I said. Just then, I thought I heard Shinichi telling me "Father, you have gotten old."


**************


That is perspective to me. Whether I made a perfect meal, or got the laundry all folded and put away seems so ridiculous and insignificant, almost embarrassing really.

And so now I will go and kiss my sleeping babies on their heads and pray to keep this perspective available...

It's That Time Again

I'm starting to lose focus and become slightly more erratic. I hate these moments.


Today as I pondered the meaning of life, as one does, I came to the realization that I am not being the best me I can be. As a matter of fact, I feel I am failing miserably. There are far too many of my personal issues that I have not addressed as of yet; issues that I have the ability to do something about. So my goal is to pick 5 of the many things I have to work on for now and see where that takes me. Par exemple:

1. Spirituality. I wouldn't say I am a religious person per se, unless you happen to define "religious" as interested in various religions in general. I am more spiritual. Spiritually driven. Driven to find what I believe, what feels right, not just something I was raised believing. Recently I have been approached (both directly & indirectly) by individuals who seem to take issue with my current beliefs (as they differ from theirs), and during these "encounters" I find myself struggling to comprehend their motives. Why exactly does it matter if I share your belief system? How does it affect you? When you have met me once and is unlikely that I will talk or otherwise communicate with you more than a few more times in my entire life?

I'm a fairly open-minded person; I respect other peoples religious views (or lack there of) regardless of my own. I'd like to say that I don't judge other people based on those views, but I confess I do. There are just certain things that I will never understand...And so yet again I digress...I must continue to study and find my truth.


2. Weight. I was thin at one time. For a while I put off weight loss and just tried focusing on not gaining any more, but that time is at an end and I really need to get serious now. My baby-growing days are over; I had 4 babies in 5 years and now it's time to settle back into myself. My body is no longer being used in that capacity and I know that I am capable of making the necessary changes!



3. Depression. For the last few years I've been in a state of fluctuating depression, ergo the weight gain. It all started after Ethan died and has waxed and waned since then. Right now, surprisingly, I'm on an upswing, but who knows how long this will last. I think I need to take some time to get on top of this before it becomes something too big for me to control. Hello medication!! :)


4. Hanging clothes. Does anyone happen to know how much I detest hanging laundry? I have no reason for this, it is just a sad sad fact. I can make time to label the shelves in my linen closet, and fold my laundry when it comes out of the dryer, but for some reason I just put the clothes that require a hanger into a pile on the floor. Ugh. That needs to be stopped before the need arises to have Ang make a special trip to help me again. :)


5. Creativity. Today I finished a paper bag book I started for Johnny about a year and a half ago. It's a tad pathetic, I realize, hence the desire to change that specific behavior. Annalise is now at an age where she goes to bed easily and is more independent, so I have a little time to myself again, which should help.



A couple of those are embarrassingly easy, but the others are significantly harder; fingers crossed that I will find some of the long lost will-power of my youth and succeed in at least a few. But in the meantime I shall sleep on these 5 things that could, theoretically, change my life. Wish me luck...I'll need it.

My three little kidlets!!

Being 1, 3, and 5 they can be quite a handful. They are amazing little people, just little bundles of funny comments, frustrating moments, sweetness, anger, outbursts, hugs, and kisses. Though the moments of frustration are frequent and tend NOT to be accompanied by any of those sweeter moments, I still consider myself the luckiest person in the world. After enduring loss and realizing the value of each child...it helps you see things differently.

Gavin is five years old and lets you know it. He bargains with you, can tell you exactly how he's feeling, and has tantrums that would bring even some of the most seasoned parents to tears. Every day I watch the kid and wonder where the past 5 years have gone, who is this young man standing in front of me asking me when Transformers will be out on DVD? This boy who just 5 years ago snuggled in my arms in a bundle, and now goes off to school like a big kid? He's amazing and I love him.



Owen is a rambunctious, hilarious three year old, who keeps me laughing during those moments when I'm not wanting to pull my hair out. He is surprisingly sweet and giving and lives to spend time with both his brother and sister; often letting Annalise out in our backyard with him even though he knows I don't like it. He is a little helper and just wants people to listen to what he has to say, and there's a lot...most of it is incredibly insightful. What a joy he is, even when he isn't. :)



Annalise is my little baby, who is really not a baby anymore, she is almost 13 months old and is one of the most easy-going, sweet tempered children I've ever known. I attribute that to her awareness that I have two other children that require their own helpings of my attention and she is most willing to share with them. She started walking at 10 months and hasn't stopped since, she wants to know everything already. And when a child's favorite food is spareribs how can she not be practically perfect?




That's basically it, I don't live in a fantasy land where my children are perfect and my life is a dream. We have difficult moments...very difficult moments at times. The screaming, whining, and arguing can sometimes (and MORE than sometimes) make me want to loan my children out indefinitely; however, I lived the alternative after Ethan died and the silence is unbearable. I truly value the moments I get to just sit and be, as they are few and far between and help to recharge my parental batteries, but the moments with my kids are the important ones, the ones I am going to remember when this phase of my life is complete.

Arrivederci