It's That Time Again

I'm starting to lose focus and become slightly more erratic. I hate these moments.


Today as I pondered the meaning of life, as one does, I came to the realization that I am not being the best me I can be. As a matter of fact, I feel I am failing miserably. There are far too many of my personal issues that I have not addressed as of yet; issues that I have the ability to do something about. So my goal is to pick 5 of the many things I have to work on for now and see where that takes me. Par exemple:

1. Spirituality. I wouldn't say I am a religious person per se, unless you happen to define "religious" as interested in various religions in general. I am more spiritual. Spiritually driven. Driven to find what I believe, what feels right, not just something I was raised believing. Recently I have been approached (both directly & indirectly) by individuals who seem to take issue with my current beliefs (as they differ from theirs), and during these "encounters" I find myself struggling to comprehend their motives. Why exactly does it matter if I share your belief system? How does it affect you? When you have met me once and is unlikely that I will talk or otherwise communicate with you more than a few more times in my entire life?

I'm a fairly open-minded person; I respect other peoples religious views (or lack there of) regardless of my own. I'd like to say that I don't judge other people based on those views, but I confess I do. There are just certain things that I will never understand...And so yet again I digress...I must continue to study and find my truth.


2. Weight. I was thin at one time. For a while I put off weight loss and just tried focusing on not gaining any more, but that time is at an end and I really need to get serious now. My baby-growing days are over; I had 4 babies in 5 years and now it's time to settle back into myself. My body is no longer being used in that capacity and I know that I am capable of making the necessary changes!



3. Depression. For the last few years I've been in a state of fluctuating depression, ergo the weight gain. It all started after Ethan died and has waxed and waned since then. Right now, surprisingly, I'm on an upswing, but who knows how long this will last. I think I need to take some time to get on top of this before it becomes something too big for me to control. Hello medication!! :)


4. Hanging clothes. Does anyone happen to know how much I detest hanging laundry? I have no reason for this, it is just a sad sad fact. I can make time to label the shelves in my linen closet, and fold my laundry when it comes out of the dryer, but for some reason I just put the clothes that require a hanger into a pile on the floor. Ugh. That needs to be stopped before the need arises to have Ang make a special trip to help me again. :)


5. Creativity. Today I finished a paper bag book I started for Johnny about a year and a half ago. It's a tad pathetic, I realize, hence the desire to change that specific behavior. Annalise is now at an age where she goes to bed easily and is more independent, so I have a little time to myself again, which should help.



A couple of those are embarrassingly easy, but the others are significantly harder; fingers crossed that I will find some of the long lost will-power of my youth and succeed in at least a few. But in the meantime I shall sleep on these 5 things that could, theoretically, change my life. Wish me luck...I'll need it.