Originally posted 2/24/2010
So far this hasn’t been my favorite experience, though it’s been interesting to say the least. I am more intrigued with the legal system, albeit slightly annoyed at the same time. I will also say that had I known that divorce would make my children’s father actually step-up and do SOMETHING I would have gone ahead with it years ago, instead of living unhappily, crying, praying, begging, bargaining, placating, ignoring, excusing...etc.
But I digress...
What’s done is done, now all there is to do is move on. I wish to get this divorce behind me and stop fretting over things I wasn’t capable of changing when it was happening, let alone now. Easier said than done, but it’s a nice thought. I’m getting better at it though. Practice makes perfect.
The ideal divorce: Amicable. Not involving crazy ass, controlling behavior. Two people who recognize their mutual fault in the failure of their marriage, without attempting to blame the other person or simply being incapable of understanding the consequences of their actions. No one goes to jail. The parties make decisions based on the best interests of their children, not of themselves. They can agree about child support, property division, etc. And it doesn’t cost them each several several thousand in attorney fees.
Is that my divorce? Hell no! Though it’s not the worst divorce either, it is the process I suppose. For some it’s better and others it’s worse. My soon-to-be ex-husband seems to think he doesn’t want this divorce, which is baffling to me considering the fact that EVERY single time we argued or even disagreed about something, he took the opportunity to request a divorce; even going as far as telling me he had ordered papers off the internet and that I could have the kids and all the property and all I had to do was sign the papers. Believe me, I recognize the irony in begging him to stay and try to work things out. Oh irony, how I adore your ever-mocking ways.
As for parenting during a divorce, it blows. I have tried my hardest to help my kiddos deal with the inevitable insanity of this situation...I simply can’t control anything other than myself and being as consistent as possible with them. I don’t know what John’s plans are, and honestly there is no precedent for this; not just the divorce, but him actually attempting to parent our children! Sure, it’s frustrating after almost a decade of begging him to take responsibility for our children outside of monetarily, and the very rare instances where he did something for them without being asked; but it isn’t about me and my irritation, it’s about my kids and their happiness and wellbeing. I am reminding myself of this. I’m doing fairly well with this one, though every once in a while I feel a jab of resentment for the years of painful begging and pleading... sigh... still working on this.
Marriage, well, it’s an interesting institution. I’m not sure if I ever want to get married again. I know the circumstances would be different if the opportunity happens to arise again in the future, I am feeling a tad jaded and maybe even a little defiant as far as relationships go, considering the course my marriage took during the last few years and especially that last several months, it was smothering and I don’t know if I am ready to believe that all marriages aren’t like that. I’m really rather fond of my freedom, even with the additional work that’s involved, including the stress of financial insecurity.
As I mourn the ending of yet another phase in my life, I will look back on it with the fondness of someone who has the ability to learn and grow from her experiences. I hope that once the dust settles from this, my ex-husband and I will be able to independently yet cohesively raise our amazing children to be the happy, successful people I know they will be, and not regardless of this divorce, but because of it!
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