Tomorrow

Tomorrow will be 3 years and I have not "gotten over" losing my sister. I have adapted to this different life, though I still feel her absence on a daily basis; not hearing her voice, not being able to laugh and cry with her, not having her to call me on my shit yet knowing that she was there for me regardless, not feeling her unconditional love for my children, not having her to argue with, not having her to reminisce with about our shared childhood.

The evening of December 7, 2007 I hugged my sister for the last time. My last memory of her was after she handed Clara to me and I was holding Annalise as well, I turned to Carrie and said, "Look, I've got both our girls!" We enjoyed the moment together. My next memories of her are graphic, sad, and involve watching her die before my eyes while we made our inevitably futile attempt to save her. I called 911, I assisted my brother-in-law in performing CPR, I watched as paramedics worked on her, I followed the ambulance to the hospital with my dad, I held her hand as they pronounced her dead, I removed her jewelery and wear her ring to this day, I kissed her head when I said goodbye and smelled the shampoo in her hair; I think of that night still whenever I catch that scent.

To illustrate my family relationship; after we got back to my parents house, I grabbed my baby sister for a hug (perhaps just a tad too tight) and while trying to free herself she said, "Are you trying to be an only child, or what?" :-D I love my family. We all miss Carrie greatly. When we get together for holidays and other events, it feels incomplete. We laugh, we cry, we fight, we move on without her. Reluctantly...