Hormones

Not “whore moans”. Ha.

Yes, I’m crazy moody. Not just normal moody, but crazy-end-of-pregnancy moody. People have been steering clear of me lately, all I can say to you is I’m sorry and continue what you’re doing when my hormones aren’t as crazy I’ll make it up to you!! Another apology to the folks who have emailed recently; I haven’t been on the computer much and writing has seemed an almost overwhelming task. Not to mention actual telephone calls; I’ve never been good at returning calls, and it’s only been worse of late. Sorry.

So in light of my recent aggression, I shall write of aggression.

Not causing harm obviously includes not killing or robbing or lying to people. It also includes not being aggressive—not being aggressive with our actions, our speech, or our minds. The most fundamental aggression to ourselves, the most fundamental harm we can do to ourselves, is to remain ignorant by not having the courage and the respect to look at ourselves honestly and gently. Even if it’s caused, or exacerbated, by crazy pregnancy hormones.

As we become more wholehearted in this journey of gentle honesty, it comes as quite a shock to realize how much we’ve blinded ourselves to some of the ways in which we cause harm. Our style is so ingrained that we can’t hear when people try to tell us, either kindly or rudely, that maybe we’re causing some harm by the way we are or the way we relate with others. We’ve become so used to the way we do things that somehow we think that others are used to it too. For example when you expect your husband to just do whatever it is you want because you’re pregnant and you said so. Doesn’t work that way, darn it. ;)

It’s painful to face how we harm others, and it takes a while. It’s a journey that happens because of our commitment to gentleness and honesty, our commitment to staying awake, to being mindful. Because of mindfulness, we see our desires and our aggression, our jealousy and our ignorance. We don’t act on them; we just see them. Without mindfulness, we don’t see them.

The next step is refraining…I’m still working on that. I’m really hoping that it will get easier when I’m no longer pregnant, but somehow I don’t think that adding another child is going to make me less moody.

I’m nursing a headache so I think I’ll be heading to bed early tonight. Spent the day slaving away; resting and watching my parents clean all my windows. Difficult work and yet somehow I have survived to tell the tale. And now I shall sleep. Good-night.